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October 2012


Small Town Queer: 10 things I learned in Iowa City

Not suitable for view by those who pay for your education.

  1. The Mexicans at Pancheros are TOTALLY making fun of you, therefore it is TOTALLY acceptable to be dissatisfied with the flatness of your made-to-order-burrito.
  2. Everybody’s on something. Whether it’s blow or low blood glucose cuz you’re a crazy-militant-New Pioneer Food Co.-Vegan, or “Omigod! I have four projects due in 12 hours and I spent the last 2.5 weeks drunker than a freshman on prom night. Due to this fact, it should just be assumed that everyone’s on edge and ready to snap.
  3. It’s always time for a drink. I don’t care if it’s 10 AM or Bar close. It’s always time for a drink.
  4. If you flirt with the gay at Konnexions and tell him he’s pretty, you can get a discount.
  5. The best drag queens in Iowa are in Iowa City. There’s one or two in other venues, but Iowa City has the densest population of “WOOOOOOOOOOORK”ing girls.
  6. Really drunk girls at bro bars can’t tell the difference between Queers and Breeders, even when you tell her that her l.e.i. low-rise button fly jeans really don’t go with her pay-less b.o.g.o. strappy sandals.
  7. Walking down South Johnson at 3:35 AM can be hazardous to your homo-health. Like the Asians, stupid heteros travel in packs and carry razor blades in their cheeks.
  8. “I’ve got a meeting I’m late for.” is an acceptable fuck you that will get you out of any conversation with people you really don’t care to see. Like the guy you blew off on MH last night and then saw at Studs and wouldn’t dance with….
  9. Smart phones have been surgically implanted in everyone’s hands. You didn’t say it if you didn’t tweet it, you’re not friends unless you “like” my status on the face, you didn’t go unless you checked in on 4square.
  10. Your friends can get you through anything. Choose wisely, and once you do, you’ll have family.

Small Town Queer: Gay Bar Etiquette

When I took my friend Ollie, who is straight as a Menards 2X4, to a gay bar for the first time he had the natural reaction of sober fear that you would expect to see in a virgin. He was prepared though, before we went out, my friends and I schooled Ollie on some Gay Bar Etiquette. After a few drinks Ollie was havin’ a gay ol’ time and dancing with 7 ft. tall Drag Queen in butterfly wings, fake breasts, and pasties.
(Score for the home team!)
Sometimes following the rules is a good thing!

  • If it’s in a dress, and wearing enough face paint to recreate a Van Gough, you can call it a she. Tip her well and compliment her on how she looks. Yes, we all know she’s lip syncing Britney Spears. You’re supposed to ignore that and be dazed and confused by the millions of sequins.
  • If it’s wearing a shirt, tie, and a bowler hat, you can call it a He. Remember honey, it might look like a man, but you get down into those skivvies and you’re going to find some silicone. Up top you’re probably going to find a tight ace wrap.
  • It helps to start drinking the moment you walk in the door. If it seems your surroundings don’t make sense to you and you feel uncomfortable, remember that it doesn’t makes sense to us either. That’s why we drink. The rest of us are schwasted messes because we’ve learned this lesson already.
  • The lesbian at the bar with five drinks in her hand is buying for her underage friends. If you bump into her and spill something, you best be prepared to buy another round, or you’re going to have very angry gaybies snapping at your heels, and thirsty young queers bite. Hard.
  • That old man sitting at the end of the bar wearing a coat and 300 dollar jeans chatting up the bar tender is the “bar Bitch”. In his younger days he was hot and banged it out with many a boy. Now he’s just irritable and bitchy. Stay away from him unless you wanna get told the twelve million things that are wrong with you.
  • If you tip the bartender well, you will get better service and better drinks. They’re only acting uninterested in you because they are. They probably have a headache and are NOT looking forward to cleaning up the bar after you drag your happy ass home.
  • Do not worry about people of the same sex hitting on you. If you’re not interested, that’s fine. You just point to someone over in the crowd dancing and say “That’s my boyfriend!” Don’t tell them you’re straight, because then you’re creating a challenge.  If you’re hung up and worried about people of the same sex hitting on you, get out of the bar and go drink with the red necks.
  • The kid with his shirt off and hands above his head swinging around the dance floor is on an entirely different planet. Try to avoid bumping into him; he’s probably going to fall over. If he dances with you, gyrate for a moment and move on, it’s in your best interest.
  • Now if you’re standing outside the bathroom and it’s been five minutes, bang three times real hard and say, “Cum already you trashy piece of shit.”
  • The lesbians will be divided up into Polo shirts and dresses, the gay boys into scarves and t-shirts. Now, they’ll mix if one is sleeping with the other, but rarely will they be screwing each other. Don’t try to wrap your mind around sex yet, it’s early.
  • If you go outside to smoke, you’re going to see some shit. Be prepared. I can’t begin to explain to you what’s out there, but don’t make eye contact. If a 7 foot tall thing in a wig is screaming at someone, and their face happens to be REAL thick, it’s probably a “tired” entertainer. If she asks for a cigarette, give her one. If she says something smile and acknowledge that you understand. If you start talking, they will find something wrong with what you’ve said and eviscerate you for it. This is what Drag Queens do for fun.
  • At the end of the night, there will more than likely be a large man or woman yelling at you to get out of the bar. Understand that s/he wants to go home and is sick and tired of looking at your drunk ass. Bottoms up and out ya go. If you’re lucky you found something to keep ya warm that night. If not, you’re drunk and have more than likely ingested a few things that you’ll regret the next morning.

May all your nights be ones to remember
May all your dreams come true
May all your friends be at the ready and always surround you.