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Remember those surveys you used to love to fill out on Facebook and Myspace? I’ve brought them back with some of my Best Brunch Buddies to have a frank, open, and honest discussion about life, love, and the pursuits of happiness as Queer Men.
Judson is 26 years old and self-employed living in Omaha.
Waylon is 33 and works for a Fortune 500.
Drew is 26 and works for a non-profit.
DiAndre doesn’t want you to know his age, but is an artist living in Chicago.
If you could go to dinner with any personality who would it be?
Waylon: I would have to say Madonna (which should be no surprise). She’s a fascinating person, but I think it would be interesting mainly because she has personally known every single celebrity who has mattered in the last 30 years and many from the previous eras of celebrity too.
Diandre: I would really enjoy dinner with Ryan Seacrest. I know it sounds cliché, but this is a man who started as a TV host, ended as “News Anchor,” and now runs an entire production empire. He has swirling gay rumors, and recently broke up with the prettiest dancer in Hollywood. I’m intrigued.
Is a weird sex-face or orgasm-face a deal breaker for you?
Judson: It will only be a problem if I am not allowed to make fun of it.
Drew: I probably have a weird one myself. I have yet to have the opportunity to be filmed while being fucked, unfortunately. No it is not a deal breaker; voting Republican or telling me you only watch Fox News: I hope you enjoy your lonely blue balls.
Have you ever dated someone who wanted to change you?
Waylon: Yes, both. That never turns out well. I think it’s good to learn from the person you’re dating, but it’s bad when you feel pressure to change to please them.
When someone attacks your friend publicly and they aren’t there to defend themselves, do you jump to their defense?
Diandre: I always defend appropriately. I wouldn’t say anything until it needed to be said. However, I’m always a recorder. I’m running to tell momma, honey!
Drew: Darling I read & write books. That should answer that.
Judson: What am I a real housewife? It depends on the situation. I would probably warn them with like “Oh stop it. I love them!” then immediately text the friend to see what I should do.
What words in the Gay vernacular bother you?
Judson: White guys can’t say “Hunty” and I think being called “Mary” all the time is annoying and weird. My mom’s name is Mary.
Drew: Tragic. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Where’s the camp factor in becoming a lame Valley-esque girl without the irony? The overuse of the word “class” gets to me too. So many gays use it like a dog marking its territory. The ones using it are the ones who lack restraint and decency. I prefer being filthy and sassy.
The first day I met Mattie he yelled at me for telling an offensive joke in the Alliance office at Iowa State University. I was freshly 18 and thought I was incredibly hot shit. I’d spent that summer being told what hot shit I was by a group of very wealthy, very powerful, at times very beautiful, Queers.
My personality at the time was less than cute, so I usually tried to feel people out by telling a joke, checking the pulse of the room and trying to proceed. Mattie, at that time, was in the process of proving to himself that he didn’t take nothin’ off nobody, no how, no Ma’am. That day it was his delight to put me in my place and knock the tiara off my spray gelled hair.
Matt and I spent the next 5 months figuring one another out. We both had incredible things to prove that were much more alike than different, but to tell us that at the time would have been certain suicide. He thought I was vulgar and cut throat. I felt he was an uppity-assed Bitch. We would have made a great romantic comedy: I’d be played by Kevin James while Tina Fey took on his role. Box office gold!
It was late February and we’d just finished a fundraiser that I’d chaired. It was a modest success, but nothing you could squeeze praise out of for more than a weekend. At the board meeting I was being yelled at for not controlling the drinking going on backstage. I’ll say it today, “Yes, I knew they were getting sloshed. No I didn’t give a shit. Yes I could have tried to stop it. Had I not been getting sloshed with them, maybe better judgment would have prevailed. Alas, it did not.”
Like I said, I’ll say that TODAY.
On that late February day, I REFUSED to acknowledge that it was my fault. I cast a wider net of blame than a Real Housewife looking for a husband. Matt in turn, wasn’t havin’ it. She put on her calmest voice and her fakest Miss America Smile and read me for filth. I’m telling you a forklift couldn’t have picked my jaw up off the floor. This was the first time in my life I was ever terrified, busted, and turned on at the same time. To this day I haven’t felt that way again (Thank GOD!) and hope I never will. It’s the closest thing I think I have to the experience people get out of S&M.
Much to my chagrin, but having been busted, the next Alliance event was dry. I apologized to Matt after the meeting, and he and I set up a meeting for later in the week at Stomping Grounds, an incontinently located Ames coffee house. I went into that next meeting with a lot more respect for him, and strikingly enough, we started developing a friendship. I stopped trying to be impressive, and he started to laugh. He did something, and I decided maybe he wasn’t such an uppity Bitch. Through the rest of that semester, and well into the next we became very close friends.I like to tell this story because I think I’m so dramatically lucky to have Mattie in my life today. He’s an incredibly vibrant soul who’s classier than this “Bawdy Broad” could ever hope to be. I almost missed out on the opportunity to know him and learn from him because I was too scared to let down my defenses. He had to burn them down, in order for me to open up. I’m very thankful he did that.
The lesson I’m remembering today: I have never once regretted reconsidering an enemy.